Emails
by starfruit
Summary: My take on what would happen if the RD characters started emailing each other.
1. emails

The Dwarfers get email's  
  
  
  
A.N – Oh smeg what am I doing? But I just wanted to see what would happen if Lister, Rimmer, Kochanski etc etc all started emailing each other – and what dark secrets it would uncover…(spooky music)  
  
And as everybody knows, Red Dwarf etc etc belongs to that bloke and not me.  
  
The email addresses are not real, just made up. And they haven't got '.com' or '.co.uk' at the end because then it all goes funny cos the damn computer turns it into a link. Get that? Neither did I.  
  
*********  
  
To: lister4curry@spacebum  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Subject: Smeghead  
  
  
  
Lister you stinking pile of 3rd class smeg – if you don't stop bringing girls back and locking me out of our quarters every night you will be in serious deep deep trouble. Understand? In fact I'm going to put you on report right this minute. When the captain sees this you're dead.  
  
And my risk chums are coming round tonight so I don't want to see you for at least 4 hours. So go down to the bar and while away your worthless existence wiggling your posterior and getting drunk.  
  
Now smeg off you annoying smegging smegger,  
  
Rimmer.  
  
*******************  
  
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: lister4curry@spacebum  
  
Subject: re- Smeghead  
  
  
  
Rimmer, I would have replied earlier but I spilled curry on the keyboard. I have 3 things to say to you. 1 – I can lock you out of our quarters if I want because I am doing far more important (and fun!) things than arguing with you and seeing your ugly face day in day out. 2 – Your risk 'chums' are sadder than you and that is saying something. 3 – I would stay in our quarters tonight just to annoy you but I have a date. I don't want to while away my worthless existence playing war games and failing exams.  
  
Lister.  
  
  
  
*****************  
  
  
  
To: lister4curry@spacebum  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Subject: $£*!!^!"  
  
You really are a smegging annoying smegging piece of smegging smeg.  
  
^&%$£"£$^* ^*(&^& *^ ^ ^&* * ** * ^&^ ^%% ^ &* ^  
  
!!  
  
Rimmer  
  
  
  
********************  
  
  
  
1 To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
Subject: I love you  
  
Last night was fantastic, can you come round tonight as well? My roommates out. Meet at mine at about 10.  
  
Oh, and bring a bigger tub this time :)  
  
Kristine xxx  
  
******************  
  
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Subject: I love you more  
  
You're right last night was smegging fantastic! I can't come round tonight though – I'm playing risk.  
  
Arnie  
  
************  
  
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
Subject: Risk?  
  
You're playing risk? When we could spend the night together? You're crazy. Oh well – enjoy your game, but I hope you can concentrate when I'll be in my quarters exactly as you found me last night.  
  
Kristine.  
  
***************  
  
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Subject: No!  
  
Kristine – of course I'm coming round. I'll cancel. I don't want to play risk, I want to be with you! And I'll bring a family sized tub – and pineapple chunks. You're beautiful. I love you.  
  
Arnold.  
  
***********  
  
To:ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
I love you too – don't be late.  
  
Kristine xxx  
  
*****************  
  
To: kryten@523P-laundry  
  
From: hollister@fatgit  
  
Subject: stain  
  
Kryten – it's about that *cough* embarrassing stain. Have you got it out of my uniform yet?  
  
Captain.F.Hollister  
  
************  
  
2 To: hollister@fatgit  
  
From: kryten@523P-laundry  
  
Subject: re – stain.  
  
Rest assured sir! That embarrassing stain has come out, and when I have given you your uniform back I will wipe the memory from my database. That's after I've told mister Lister.  
  
Kryten  
  
**********  
  
To: kryten@523P-laundry  
  
From: hollister@fatgit  
  
Subject: damn you!  
  
Kryten if you so much as breath a word to Lister I will bust your ass down to tampon dispenser. Understood?  
  
Captain.F.Hollister  
  
****************  
  
3 To: hollister@fatgit  
  
From: kryten@523P-laundry  
  
Subject: Whoops!  
  
Sir I can assure you that I will not mention this incident to anybody…again.  
  
Kryten 2X4B-523P  
  
*******  
  
To: you@nearlyasgoodlookingasme  
  
From: Cat@amazingstunninggoodlooks  
  
Subject: How 'bout it?  
  
How bout it babe? You and me? Friday night…see you at 9.  
  
  
  
To: girlisawincorridor@sexyass  
  
From: Cat@amazingstunninggoodlooks  
  
Subject: How 'bout it?  
  
How 'bout it babe? You and me? Friday night…see you at 9.  
  
  
  
To: thatgirlwhowinkedatme@sexeeeee  
  
From: Cat@amazingstunninggoodlooks  
  
Subject: How 'bout it?  
  
How bout it babe? You and me? Friday night…see you at 9.  
  
  
  
To: Cat@amazingstunninggoodlooks  
  
From: Holly@IQ6000  
  
Subject: Stop it.  
  
Cat! Will you stop sending junk mail to the wrong addresses? It's clogging up the system. I've counted 45 this week that have been sent to an email address that doesn't exist. If you want to ask someone out – go up to them and ask them. Or at least get their actual email address. Okay?  
  
Holly.  
  
  
  
************************  
  
  
  
To: Ackerman@freakyman  
  
From: jiggyjiggy@scienceofficerswife  
  
Subject: Hiya  
  
  
  
Hi you! What about getting jiggy jiggy tonight? I promise you won't be late for work this time.  
  
***********  
  
To: Ackerman@freakyman  
  
From: scienceoffcer@6footblackbelt  
  
Subject: You don't scare me.  
  
I am gonna beat the crap out of you! How long have you and my wife been getting 'jiggy jiggy?' Did you know I am highly trained in 5 martial arts and am really really tall? Oh shit you're that crazy prison guard…whoops. Please don't hurt me…please?  
  
*************  
  
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Subject: Last night.  
  
  
  
Wow.  
  
Arnold.  
  
***************  
  
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
  
  
I know.  
  
Kristine. xxxxx 


	2. emails 2

Emails – again.  
  
1 To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
Dave says he saw you talking to Yvonne McGruder. Did you?  
  
Kristine.  
  
**********************************************  
  
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Yes, I saw her in the corridor and she said 'hi' so I said 'hi' back. You could hardly call that a conversation.  
  
Arnie. (please don't dump me)  
  
*****************************************  
  
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
I'm not going to dump you, you smeghead, but I wish you'd told me. I mean, McGruder was like your first love. And I know that you never forget your first 'experience'. Oh well…how about dinner tonight?  
  
Kristine  
  
XxXxX  
  
*****************************************  
  
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Um…I'm sort of busy tonight, I'm seeing McGruder…  
  
Arnie  
  
*****************************************  
  
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
You're *WHAT*??????  
  
Kristine.  
  
******************************************  
  
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Just for a few drinks! Nothing like you're thinking…she just mentioned how nice it would be to catch up on a few things and I sort of…said I'd pick her up at 9. Is that okay?  
  
Arnie (please don't get smegged off)  
  
********************************************  
  
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
Too right I'm getting smegged off. You're *my* boyfriend, not hers. Okay. I'll see you another day then – Rimmer.  
  
Miss K.Kochanski.  
  
*********************************************  
  
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
There was no need to do that!  
  
Arnold.  
  
******************************************  
  
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
Do what?  
  
Miss K.Kochanski.  
  
********************************************  
  
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Call me 'Rimmer.' Just like Lister does it.  
  
I'll cancel with McGruder! I'll never speak to her again, is that okay?  
  
Arnold.  
  
*******************************************  
  
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
Oh I'm sorry Arnold! I'm being a cow. See her if you want. I don't mind – I love you. Sorry.  
  
Kristine  
  
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX  
  
*****************************************  
  
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Cc: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
From: holly@IQ6000  
  
You two are so funny! Always bickering…fighting over the stupidest things. Oh well…see you later.  
  
2 Holly  
  
********************************************  
  
To: holly@IQ6000  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
Subject: HOLLY!!!!!  
  
Will you stop reading our emails Holly? They're meant to be private…so stop it or I'll tell Hollister.  
  
Okay?  
  
Kristine  
  
P.S – By the way Holly, can you tell me just how many words in total Rimmer has said to McGruder? Please?  
  
*********************************************  
  
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
3 From: holly@IQ6000  
  
No.  
  
Holly  
  
********************************************  
  
4 To: holly@IQ6000  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
You stupid jumped up filofax.  
  
Kristine  
  
******************************************  
  
To: lister4curry@spacebum  
  
From: talkietoaster@muffinman  
  
Subject: Would you…?  
  
Would you like any toast?  
  
Talkie-toaster.  
  
*******************************************  
  
To: talkietoaster@muffinman  
  
From: lister4curry@spacebum  
  
Subject: NO!  
  
No! Now smeg off you annoying smegging smegger.  
  
Lister.  
  
**********************************************  
  
To: lister4curry@spacebum  
  
From: talkietoaster@muffinman  
  
Subject: Are you sure?  
  
Are you sure? You don't want any toast? Muffins? Waffles? Scones? Crumpets? Baps? Anything? What about…some…TOAST?  
  
Talkie toaster  
  
(your breakfast buddy!)  
  
********************************************  
  
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Subject: I love you...  
  
Hi Krissie, are you free tonight? I've cancelled with McGruder, I didn't really want to go anyway – I just froze up and had to say something, you know how bad I am with small talk.  
  
So do you want to go for dinner somewhere? The officer's club? Parrots? Or do you want to go see a film? Anything – you decide. I love you.  
  
Arnie, XxXxX (see, you made me put kisses, I never do that)  
  
**********************************************  
  
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
Yes I'm free tonight. Do you want to go see a film? And then dinner? (you can pay!) Anything u want sweetie, you choose.  
  
Kristine XxXxX (I think it's sweet you put kisses!)  
  
*********************************************  
  
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Subject: I don't mind  
  
I don't mind where we go. You choose.  
  
  
  
Arnie  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
No – you choose.  
  
Kristine XxXxX  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Well if neither of us wants to go out then why don't we stay in?  
  
Arnie XxXxX  
  
*************************************************************  
  
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
Sounds good to me!  
  
I'll tell my roommate to smeg off (again!) and I'll see you later!  
  
Krissy XxXxXxX  
  
******************************************************************  
  
To: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
From: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
Do you want me to bring…anything?  
  
Arnie XxXxX  
  
******************************************************************  
  
To: ajrimmer@1stofficer  
  
From: krissyK@iluvcottagecheese  
  
Just you babe!  
  
K  
  
XxXxXxX  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
To: lister4curry@spacebum  
  
From: peterson@danishpastry  
  
Subject: Look!  
  
Look what I found out Dave!  
  
-----------------------------------------(*)(*)----------------------------- ---------------  
  
breasts!  
  
Do you wanna get drunk tonight?  
  
Peterson.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
To: peterson@danishpastry  
  
From: lister4curry@spacebum  
  
No – I've got a date. With McGruder – I don't fancy her or anything but it'll really really smeg off Rimmer! He dates my ex-girlfriend, I'll date his!  
  
Dave  
  
***********************************************************  
  
To: johnwayne@fanclub  
  
From: bobandmadge@skuttersunion  
  
Subject: skutt skut skutt!!  
  
Skutt skutt skut skut (sqeaky noises) skcut cut sku skutt!!  
  
Skut skuuuuuuuttttt!  
  
Bob and Madge.  
  
**************************************************************  
  
Anyone just about ready to flame me please take into account that it is 10 past 1 in the morning and I *cannot* sleep. Caffeine is baaaaad.  
  
I watched RD on UKGold and Dimension Jump is one of my favourite eps, then again – they're all my favourite!  
  
Starfuit.  
  
(see the button below? Yes? PRESS IT!) 


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